Swearing in French: Pschitt never sounded so sweet

Pschitt made the rounds of high school language classes - even in Spanish class, we loved practicing the phrase - “I’ll have a Pschitt please.” The lemonade-flavored soft drink is available throughout Europe.

Yes, it’s easy to confuse regular words for swear words. Lydie loves to tell us the story of the elegant woman who walked into her Rue St. Honore boutique asking for an outfit ‘pour chier’ i.e. ‘to shit’. What she really wanted was an outfit ‘pour faire du ski’.

A phoque (pronouced fuk) is a seal. And perfectly harmless on the ears - in French.

If you go to the market, don’t ask for a ‘red beet’ in English - or you’ll make the vendor smile. You’ve just asked for a stiff dick in French i.e. ‘une bitte raide’.

BTW the word for a red beet in French is ‘betterave rouge’

The French swear words you’re most likely to hear in everyday language:

Merde - shit.
It’s perfectly acceptable to say ‘Merde!’ for ‘Good luck’ when your friends are going to take an exam. In fact, it’s preferable to saying ‘Bonne chance!” which is really considered an unlucky thing to say.
‘C’est chiant’. No, don’t confuse this with chianti. It’s just plain shitty.
‘C’est genant.’ That’s bothersome

Il t’emmerdes?
Il t’embete? (More polite)
Il te gene? (More polite)
He’s bothering you?

Je m’en fou. I don’t give a fuck.
Je m’en fiche. I don’t give a damn. (More polite)

C’est foutu. It’s fucked up.
C’est fichu. (More polite) but
Elle est bien foutue. ‘She’s really stacked.’

Fous-le-camp. Fuck off.
Va-t-en. (More polite) Go away.
‘Va te faire cuire un oeuf’ (More polite) Go boil an egg. (Old-fashioned)
So, if you’re in the restaurant business, make sure that the boss is really telling you to scramble eggs.

C’est du bordel. This is a mess.
Correction: C’est le bordel.
C’est du bazaar. (More polite).
Correction: C’est le bazar.

Don’t forget to pronounce your consonants!

Sometimes not pronouncing your consonants can add to the confusion. For English speakers, French may sound like an endless succession of vowels, but when you do get a consonant, it needs to be loud and clear. For example the ‘t’ on le compte needs to be pronounced emphatically so that people know you’re talking about your account or your bill and not something else.

Faite le compte (kōnt) (Add up the numbers, bill, etc)
Ne fais pas le con (kō) (Don’t be an ass, literally ‘cunt’).
Ne fais pas l’idiot. (More polite)
(I always get this one confused).

A French friend was very surprised when he cut his finger and I asked him if he wanted a ‘Band-Aid’ - he didn’t hear the ‘d’ and thought I had said ‘bander‘ which means to have a hard-on. (The word for Band-Aid in French is ‘pansement’)

‘Pauvre con’ (Sorry ass, literally ‘cunt’) is commonly heard, but considered crude.
‘Pauvre type’ (More polite)
Recently President Sarkozy received a lot of flak for using the expression ‘pauvre con’. It’s not shocking when heard on the street, but very shocking in formal situations.

‘J’en ai ras-le-bol’ - I’m fed up. (Literally means, ‘up to the rim of the toilet bowl’) or ‘I’m in it up to here.’
J’en ai assez’ I’ve had enough. (More polite)

When a kiss is no longer a kiss:

It’s handy to keep your nouns separate from your verbs especially when it comes to the word ‘baiser’. Did a friend just tell me to give my husband a big kiss?
‘Donnes-lui un bon baiser?’ Or more?
I always get that confused. That’s probably thanks to Rodin’s famous sculpture ‘Le Baiser’. It looks like they’re doing a lot more than kissing. Maybe one of you alert French readers will set me straight on this one.
Thanks Boris for confirming what I assumed.
Un baiser is always a ‘kiss’.
The verb ‘baiser’ is much more than a kiss.

So, just to be on the safe side, give everybody ‘bisous’, or les bises’ (pronounced ‘beez’.) Or, embrassez tout le monde. i.e. Give everybody a kiss on both cheeks.

I left out one very handy word.

Here’s a ‘true life experience’.
‘Salope’ means ‘bitch’

You probably will never need this word but I’m really glad I found it very useful recently. After twenty attempts to find a pseudonym for Scrabulous, I was about to give up until I keyed in ‘Salope’. And guess what?

Scrabulous responded.
“Congratulations” . . . and BTW, Merde!

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